New Break

I am a pastor's wife. I signed on for the job rather willingly. I do not feel pressured into a mold that other's pick for me, but I do find myself pigeonholing MYSELF into places I do not belong.

I did not enter the ministry because of my husband, that is something that I felt called to by God. As a matter of fact, I was told to RUN from ministry if there was anything else I could be doing. Needless to say, I didn't run, I'm still not running.

What I am doing is evaluating what in the world I am supposed to be doing.

I stay in the minsitry because it is a calling from God, like the blood that runs through my veins. I have different roles I have filled over the years, some funny and a little less than comfortable, but I never felt bullied into them. They jobs needed doing and being an armor bearer, I felt God's leading to step up and do them. . . besides, I was making a paychek doing one of the most rewarding jobs on the planet.

But fast forward to today. Melt down.

I think I sensed it coming, but was in denial. I still sit here writing, thinking I am in denial.

What are the expectations I am living under?

My husband has always said I can do whatever I want. He is called to be a pastor. He does it well. He does it his way and the way God has called him, not the way others demand or dictate. He is healthy. He comes home on time, takes me on dates, is romantic, is an amazing father and best friend. Does he have shortcomings? Absolutely, but he and I serve the same God of grace and mercy. He gave us that grace and mercy, he gets the same from me (albeit in human form).

But, back to me.

I radically said nearly 11 years ago that I would be a pastor's wife that breaks all stereotypes. I have not failed at delivering THAT. I break the molds. I challenge people who even think about changing me. God likes me this way (though I am a work in progress) and he wired me this way.

I have freedom from my superiors to not be the music leader (which would suck for the church because I am terrible musically), or the women's ministry leader or be painfully forced to work in children's ministry.

I have a heart for encouragement and to see spiritual formation and restoration brought to God's bride. I'm talking about a life submitted to the Lord, in beauty and freedom, not governing rules and expectations and seeing the captives set free from their spiritual strongholds; deliverance.

I am a writer, a strong calling sine I was a child. A beautiful story that he weaves in me every day and that I write as often as I can manage. It consumes me... in a good way.

I love to workout, shop, cook, travel, dream, create, have fun, get rough, talk sports and ambitions, but don't talk politics with me because I just won't do it. I know what I believe and the conversation is just not healthy to have.

I love to solve problems, organize, relax, read, write, I LOVE my Colorado Rockies.

But I have a dark side too. I have a "twin" that I want to kill. I am ashamed and would be embarrassed if some of my own thoughts got out, but then again, it is the Creator of this universe that I converse with over these very issues that deeply developes a "know and be known" relationship with my God and King.

I keep things real, transparent and welcome change and growth, even though it's painful.