I tend to have this insatiable appetite to make people happy. It is one of my greatest strengths and also my biggest weakness. It makes me soft and mold able to the needs of others. It crushes me under the weight of expectation.
Hang on, I'm not blaming anyone for anything. I am just admitting this "out loud" for a purpose.
I feel the weight like a blanket of wet concrete to produce something for your efforts in reading my blog. Yes, you read that right, I feel obligated in some way to produce something of value for you. It's on the way. But not anytime soon.
Every day I wake up with this genuine desire to just be a writer and a reader, but then I get in my own way! I want my novel to be finished and in my hands a revised manuscript that publishers and agents are scrambling to get their hands on. Hold up there Missy, back the bus up.
Nine years ago I had a profound moment in my life as a writer. I had always known that the blood that pounded in my veins was there to support life so that I could write. I was at a prayer meeting with several members of the church and the leader operated in the prophetic. He gently pulled me up front, and prayed for me. He looked at me and confirmed what I already knew but was afraid to say out loud to anyone - I would publish books.
"You will one day write and publish books, but right now you are in a training season. God will sharpen your words and you will break shackles off of people." That was pretty much all I got from this pastor, but it wasn't just the 30 words he spoke to me, it was the confirmation and images that God Himself put inside of me. The power wasn't in what this pastor spoke, but releasing what God wanted to do in and through me.
Anyone who knows me well knows that some of these I have run with - "breaking shackles"... that one is pretty obvious. "Training season" - another obvious one. "Write and publish books" - I'm working on it.
I have never doubted it. I have questioned "how" numerous times, "when" and "what" all the time and just coasted for a duration of that time.
Let me be very painfully honest with you. I caution that I tell you of this not to waste my pain or get any pity from you, if you try, I won't accept, because I believe fully in what God is doing.
I started the content of this specific novel series early 2007. We are edging in on four years. The beauty of the story morphed from ideas, to characters, to people that were part of my life. I knew them! I loved them!
I wrote the first draft of my novel from beginning to end without stopping from October to December of 2009. I had a lot of stories written, character development, a lot of unusable fluff and a good timeline prior to crafting the draft. But I had 120,000 words of a novel on paper. That was fun to say!
I got stuck. I wanted to move on to the second story, but it didn't flow. I came to hate the first draft. I knew the story was beautiful, but the writing didn't do it justice. I tried to revise and edit, it got a little better. But even though it did move in time decently, it didn't flow. No one would fall in love with the story. People who knew me would appreciate the story because they loved me. I would hit a market of about 25 people who would pat me on the back and congratulate me for such hard work, but the manuscript wouldn't change the world.
I wrestled with God.
I lay in be one night reading a personal development book. I had just finished my quiet time and I was just reading for pleasure.
I heard Him whisper. "Throw the book away." He was not referring to the book I was reading...
My stomach dropped into my knees and I put my book down, turned out the lights and ignored the words that I just heard. "It couldn't be God, why would He ask me to do something like that?" I scoffed. I fell asleep with the fearful notion that my God was asking me to do something very difficult. I ignored Him.
A few months passed, I heard no other word from God. The book stagnated, I tried, I labored in vain. I began to hate the book that I had crafted. I was stuck.
Dan and I both knew that June was an important month. For some reason, we both understood that something was going to happen for both of us. We didn't know what it was, but I knew that i needed to make June a month about God. No counseling, coaching, restoration ministry. I would make the month about spending time with God and writing my books.
Dan planned a bunch of fun stuff for him to get some guy time. It had been on the books for months. Fishing, camping, motorcycle rides, golfing; whatever he wanted to do, we had saved up the money and I had given him as much time as he needed to just be a guy. He left for a three day motorcycle ride with a friend.
I wrestled with God. I received some healing for some things that I had let go on too long - I spent some time forgiving people and making restitution to people I had hurt. It was laborious, painful and brought incredible amounts of healing.
I heard Him again. It only took one more time. "Throw the book away."
I begged and pleaded with God as I drove home. My mother was at home with my girls so I could have some time with God. She knew I was up at the church praying and studying. I came in looking like the world ended. She knew that something was wrong, but stayed calm, which was good. I couldn't have anyone talk me out of this.
I left the church weeping. I'm glad no other staff saw me.
"If this is not from You, then you better send something to stop me. If this is a test, then may I pass with flying colors. You know I will be obedient, so if this isn't from You, God, then take this away from me."
I warred for the 8 minute drive, rebuking everything I could imagine. I walked straight into the house to my computer and began deleting.
It was a sobering experience. I watched the dates as they deleted. There were a few back to 2006 that were rough outlines of characters and ideas. I watched my heart get destroyed. I deleted my thumb drive, shredded my four hard copies, broke my CD copies and deleted my email copies. I got onto Dan's computer and made sure copies were off of it.
Dan called from the road.
I normally try to save drama for when he gets home, I hate ruining his vacations. I couldn't help it, I wept uncontrollably.
"I just deleted my book." I waited for the shock to hit him. He was shocked. He questioned my sanity. He knew just what went into the work I had done. He had watched me for three years (so far) and I wasn't close to finishing.
I'll save you all the dialogue. I got sick. I cried for four weeks. But it took me three months to mourn the loss of my three "kids". I actually mourned them like living breathing beings. I mourned my future and I got mad at God a few times. I told Him I trusted Him but that I was mad He had asked me to sacrifice them. I forgot to mention that as I was driving home from the church I got a vision of Abraham and Isaac, only I knew inside that God wouldn't spare my kid. Isaac had been a test for Abraham. The child of promise. I actually had to sacrifice mine for God.
But shackles were broken. Obedience brought about clarity, vision, and a fresh wind. Dan asked me if God was telling me that I couldn't write that same story.
Not at all. God wanted to un-stick it. He wanted my full obedience. He wanted it to be His story. It is His story. The story is so big, so beautiful, I couldn't possibly be that cool. The characters are fallible, raw and human, but it is a picture of grace, unconditional love in and through God's people that brings about healing and hope. But it isn't just a story to enjoy and to pack away, I believe it is a story that will engage, challenge, inspire and change the lives of those who read it.
So, patience - I say this to me. It will come. It will be His timing, with a lot of my hard work. I won't rush it, but I will push it. This is just one understanding of what God has been doing, and I know I can't even come close to comprehending!
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Bigger'n me
If any of you have ever seen my office at home or my office at work you will understand how my brain works. I am always going a million miles an hour. Rest is unusual for me. I am surprised I don't struggle with insomnia!
My offices are organized chaos. They stress out my more traditionally organized friends. I have cork board on my walls, assorted colored dry erase markers, Sharpies, tape, index cards, push pins, sticky notes and print outs pinned up everywhere. It all makes sense to me! It is my brain, spilled out onto papers put up so I can take a look at it all at once.
Rather than organizing it neatly into binders or in digital format I display it so I can grasp it all at one time.
It is deeply satisfying to me when all my lists, notes, scribbles, color specific scraps of paper and musings come together like abstract puzzle pieces. There is a bigger picture in my head, but sometimes I have to empty out the contents, organize them into their small groups and begin piecing them together to bring that picture together.
I fought this for quite some time. I was certain that a "good" Christian did it a certain way. Got up and read her bible early in the morning, did a well-planned bible study or devotional book, maybe some journaling and organized bullet points, prayed for a certain amount of time and then might squeeze in some praise and worship time if I got the chance.
I was able to adopt these habits pretty well for a few years, but once I had kids, any semblance of control flew out the window like wild bird it was.
I developed a deep appreciation for the Spiritual Disciplines (as Dallas Willard puts it). There is such value and truth to the disciplines and that cannot be overlooked. But it was the way in which I did it. (By the way, The Spirit of the Disciplines is a must read)
Confession time:
I am terrible at the "first-thing-in-the-morning" quiet time. I feel amazing when I actually get up before my family and get to do it. But... it's unrealistic.
I do mine right before I go to bed. The house is settled in for the night. My kids are asleep, I have done my workout for the day, I have cleaned what I can clean for the day, I have paid bills, made phone calls (or not), returned emails (or not), scheduled my day for the next day, spent time with my husband and my kids and gotten in my "scheduled" writing time.
Some of you might be gasping and claiming blasphemy of not putting the Lord first in everything I do. I beg to differ. I put God first in everything I do.
I do not take a breath or a step in the day without His name on my lips and His will in my heart. Now, mind you, I get it wrong some of the time, but I am certainly aiming toward Him in all the things I put my hands to do.
What happened in my discovery of doing this my way is that it freed me from the guilt of not doing it "right". If I didn't fit it in first thing in the morning, I would be plagued with guilt for not doing it (of my own fabrication or that of the enemy's) all day. Then, any time I did something other than my study time I felt guilty. Work was guilty, working out was guilty, grocery shopping was guilty. Anything was target for guilt.
Freedom came when I released myself from my own expectation of doing my quiet time in the morning. I looked forward to reading the bible, reading a personal development book, journaling and praying. I was released from expectations God did not communicate to me.
Well... what about "put God first in everything you do?" What about "love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength?"
Simple. I do. Everything I do puts Him first. My energy, my breathing, my thoughts are all run through that filter. I filter every decision through Him, or at least I try to. Sometimes He slows me down and reminds me that I am running ahead of him.
I get to go to bed, protected, with His name on my lips. I open myself up to have beautiful dreams and visions while I am asleep. I am open to Him speaking to me in my dreams. I wake from a night spent with Him. Creativity flows when He speaks to me. I am free and free indeed to walk the path He chose for me, not one I imposed on myself or that someone else imposed on me.
Fear is just a lie that tempts my mind. It does not consume me the way it once did.
Today, I got my day going like normal, with a ministry stop along the way (which was a highlight of the day), came home and immersed myself in writing. I wrote 3836 words of my novel, breaking open a stagnant place I have been in.
I have had frustration in returning to the novel. I have been frustrated with how stalled I have been. The words just wouldn't come. So in my frustration, I would veer off into other writing projects. All fulfilling and interesting, great practice and important, but not my first love. The novel is my first love (besides Dan!).
I hunkered down in my writing chair, laptop on, well, my lap, my lunch next to me and a Reese's Pieces Peanut Butter Cup to carry me along the way. I started writing, rather poorly if I would admit it out loud, and then, it started to flow.
My journey continues. The story comes out. While exciting, yes, it takes a lot of hard work! Determination and flat out discipline. From blank white digital pages to ideas and word pictures.
Possibility bleeds from the pages in black and white. If anyone were to cut me, I think I would bleed in black and white. Print is my lifeblood. Blogging is good. Print is my masterpiece.
John 1:1 - 2 "In the beginning was the word and the word was with God, and the word was God. He was with God in the beginning."
John 1:14 "The word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen His glory, the glory of the one and Only who came from the Father, full of grace and truth."
God refers to Jesus as the "word" of God. When He inspires something, it is by His breath. He breathes into me and something is created. God needed only His breath, His word, to breathe into dirt and create man. We are dirt, with only breath (word) in us to be alive. His word in me - nothing becomes something. Dirt becomes flesh. Ordinary becomes extraordinary.
I find such joy in writing, it is why I can't not write. I find God when I write. He finds me. We meet, we talk, I learn. He knows me and I know Him.
If nothing comes from my writing journey except a moment in his presence for the rest of my breath on this planet, then it is a moment well spent.
I pray you too will seek the breath of the Lord. Your journey is different from mine. Be free to discover that. Don't mimic my journey, let God breathe into you and create the extraordinary from the ordinary. It is why you have lungs and ears.
Resources I recommend for further study on becoming the person God created you to be:
The Me I Want to Be by John Ortberg
Sacred Pathways by Gary Thomas
Dressed to Kill by Rick Renner
Spirit Controlled Temperament by Tim LaHaye
And the list goes on...
My offices are organized chaos. They stress out my more traditionally organized friends. I have cork board on my walls, assorted colored dry erase markers, Sharpies, tape, index cards, push pins, sticky notes and print outs pinned up everywhere. It all makes sense to me! It is my brain, spilled out onto papers put up so I can take a look at it all at once.
Rather than organizing it neatly into binders or in digital format I display it so I can grasp it all at one time.
It is deeply satisfying to me when all my lists, notes, scribbles, color specific scraps of paper and musings come together like abstract puzzle pieces. There is a bigger picture in my head, but sometimes I have to empty out the contents, organize them into their small groups and begin piecing them together to bring that picture together.
I fought this for quite some time. I was certain that a "good" Christian did it a certain way. Got up and read her bible early in the morning, did a well-planned bible study or devotional book, maybe some journaling and organized bullet points, prayed for a certain amount of time and then might squeeze in some praise and worship time if I got the chance.
I was able to adopt these habits pretty well for a few years, but once I had kids, any semblance of control flew out the window like wild bird it was.
I developed a deep appreciation for the Spiritual Disciplines (as Dallas Willard puts it). There is such value and truth to the disciplines and that cannot be overlooked. But it was the way in which I did it. (By the way, The Spirit of the Disciplines is a must read)
Confession time:
I am terrible at the "first-thing-in-the-morning" quiet time. I feel amazing when I actually get up before my family and get to do it. But... it's unrealistic.
I do mine right before I go to bed. The house is settled in for the night. My kids are asleep, I have done my workout for the day, I have cleaned what I can clean for the day, I have paid bills, made phone calls (or not), returned emails (or not), scheduled my day for the next day, spent time with my husband and my kids and gotten in my "scheduled" writing time.
Some of you might be gasping and claiming blasphemy of not putting the Lord first in everything I do. I beg to differ. I put God first in everything I do.
I do not take a breath or a step in the day without His name on my lips and His will in my heart. Now, mind you, I get it wrong some of the time, but I am certainly aiming toward Him in all the things I put my hands to do.
What happened in my discovery of doing this my way is that it freed me from the guilt of not doing it "right". If I didn't fit it in first thing in the morning, I would be plagued with guilt for not doing it (of my own fabrication or that of the enemy's) all day. Then, any time I did something other than my study time I felt guilty. Work was guilty, working out was guilty, grocery shopping was guilty. Anything was target for guilt.
Freedom came when I released myself from my own expectation of doing my quiet time in the morning. I looked forward to reading the bible, reading a personal development book, journaling and praying. I was released from expectations God did not communicate to me.
Well... what about "put God first in everything you do?" What about "love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength?"
Simple. I do. Everything I do puts Him first. My energy, my breathing, my thoughts are all run through that filter. I filter every decision through Him, or at least I try to. Sometimes He slows me down and reminds me that I am running ahead of him.
I get to go to bed, protected, with His name on my lips. I open myself up to have beautiful dreams and visions while I am asleep. I am open to Him speaking to me in my dreams. I wake from a night spent with Him. Creativity flows when He speaks to me. I am free and free indeed to walk the path He chose for me, not one I imposed on myself or that someone else imposed on me.
Fear is just a lie that tempts my mind. It does not consume me the way it once did.
Today, I got my day going like normal, with a ministry stop along the way (which was a highlight of the day), came home and immersed myself in writing. I wrote 3836 words of my novel, breaking open a stagnant place I have been in.
I have had frustration in returning to the novel. I have been frustrated with how stalled I have been. The words just wouldn't come. So in my frustration, I would veer off into other writing projects. All fulfilling and interesting, great practice and important, but not my first love. The novel is my first love (besides Dan!).
I hunkered down in my writing chair, laptop on, well, my lap, my lunch next to me and a Reese's Pieces Peanut Butter Cup to carry me along the way. I started writing, rather poorly if I would admit it out loud, and then, it started to flow.
My journey continues. The story comes out. While exciting, yes, it takes a lot of hard work! Determination and flat out discipline. From blank white digital pages to ideas and word pictures.
Possibility bleeds from the pages in black and white. If anyone were to cut me, I think I would bleed in black and white. Print is my lifeblood. Blogging is good. Print is my masterpiece.
John 1:1 - 2 "In the beginning was the word and the word was with God, and the word was God. He was with God in the beginning."
John 1:14 "The word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen His glory, the glory of the one and Only who came from the Father, full of grace and truth."
God refers to Jesus as the "word" of God. When He inspires something, it is by His breath. He breathes into me and something is created. God needed only His breath, His word, to breathe into dirt and create man. We are dirt, with only breath (word) in us to be alive. His word in me - nothing becomes something. Dirt becomes flesh. Ordinary becomes extraordinary.
I find such joy in writing, it is why I can't not write. I find God when I write. He finds me. We meet, we talk, I learn. He knows me and I know Him.
If nothing comes from my writing journey except a moment in his presence for the rest of my breath on this planet, then it is a moment well spent.
I pray you too will seek the breath of the Lord. Your journey is different from mine. Be free to discover that. Don't mimic my journey, let God breathe into you and create the extraordinary from the ordinary. It is why you have lungs and ears.
Resources I recommend for further study on becoming the person God created you to be:
The Me I Want to Be by John Ortberg
Sacred Pathways by Gary Thomas
Dressed to Kill by Rick Renner
Spirit Controlled Temperament by Tim LaHaye
And the list goes on...
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Box of Chocolates
I like reinvention. Small tweaks here and there on the otherwise perfectly perfect. I find beauty and sometimes humor in those things. Hence, the box of chocolates. You never know...
"Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." True enough, but definitely true about this blog. I have every intention of keeping it focused on the journey to my novels, but we may rabbit trail every now and again.
The topic for today? The purpose of this blog. Yes, there is a purpose. I am not just aimlessly posting stuff hoping that people will take interest in my otherwise ordinary life!
I have this grand vision of producing some pretty awesome books about this story that God put inside me. The story is a product of my imagination but there is a lot of reality in it as well.
Observations from life, things that have actually happened to me or people around me, discoveries of the human condition, and the central point of my life - discovery of the Creator of Heaven and Earth and the reality of the spiritual realm.
The story unfolds in my mind like a movie. Sometimes I am just watching things unfold. At the end of writing furiously I see inspiration at every turn and my characters have taken turns I didn't know they were going to take. Sometimes I know exactly where they need to go, but I don't know how they will get there, and then after some pressure, tension and reality they come to the end I needed them to come to.
I've been writing since I was a child, but I have been writing this particular story for three years. Every novel has a story behind it. Every novel has a writer, with a real life lived, that stands as the pillar under that book. Why waste it? Pain has a purpose.
James 1:2 - 4 "Dear brothers and sisters, whenever troubles comes your way, consider it an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything." Some translations declare that "you will be lacking nothing."
I chuckle at this every time I read James because I do consider each trial an opportunity. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and I am not affected deeply in the midst of trials, it just simply means that I have an attitude of acceptance, openness and self-evaluation. I am ready for opportunities for growth and maturity. But I bleed, sometimes profusely.
I think this is an opportunity. With those closest to me prickling at the idea of opening myself up for such risk of pain and hurt, I still forge ahead. This life is not my own, it is for Christ that I live this life - why I breathe, and why my heart beats - and it is for you that I would serve and love in the face of our adversary.
Love is an action, not a feeling. Love can only be true when it faces opposition. Until then, "love" is a good feeling of hormones in the body.
So, here is my invitation to join me as I walk this journey to the finished story.
A couple of things before we start out:
1. You won't stop me or discourage me.
You can question and doubt until you are blue in the face. You can believe that I won't make it, that this is just a neat fantasy that I have. I smile because you have only caught me mid-journey.
You are welcome to come along, but you won't be able to stop me.
(Small fact: My first name means "Industrious one" or hardworking. My middle name means "Consecrated to God" - I am a hardworking individual that is committed to God - therefore, if God is for us, who can be against us.)
2. Share!
Dialog with me, challenge me. "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
Remember number one: You won't stop me, so you might as well sharpen me!
3. Remember I do bleed.
You don't need to intentionally harm me. I do have wisdom enough to sever a relationship that is poisonous!!! I don't dance with a devil; I come out punching.
4. Give me the benefit of the doubt.
If I hurt you, I did not mean to. I am human, I love Jesus, but I will never claim perfection in my pursuit for His righteousness in my life.
I never declared that I was perfect, and neither did He. His true love in action has simply accepted my repentance and my commitment to love him, serve him and do life with Him.
5. Let's have some fun!
I will be real and genuine. I have nothing to hide. Sometimes I am not completely transparent, there are things that I am working on, but you will always get honesty from me.
I am not the most scholarly writer out there and I have a lot to learn, but I am in a breathless pursuit of learning - I am a life long learner. I intend to bringing excellence along with being genuine.
My favorite musician, Jonny Lang, has a song "Don't Stop". It is a great blues-rock version of the prodigal son. But my favorite line from the song is "the journey of a thousand miles starts when you take the first step."
One foot in front of the other, consider this one step in the journey of a thousand miles...
"Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." True enough, but definitely true about this blog. I have every intention of keeping it focused on the journey to my novels, but we may rabbit trail every now and again.
The topic for today? The purpose of this blog. Yes, there is a purpose. I am not just aimlessly posting stuff hoping that people will take interest in my otherwise ordinary life!
I have this grand vision of producing some pretty awesome books about this story that God put inside me. The story is a product of my imagination but there is a lot of reality in it as well.
Observations from life, things that have actually happened to me or people around me, discoveries of the human condition, and the central point of my life - discovery of the Creator of Heaven and Earth and the reality of the spiritual realm.
The story unfolds in my mind like a movie. Sometimes I am just watching things unfold. At the end of writing furiously I see inspiration at every turn and my characters have taken turns I didn't know they were going to take. Sometimes I know exactly where they need to go, but I don't know how they will get there, and then after some pressure, tension and reality they come to the end I needed them to come to.
I've been writing since I was a child, but I have been writing this particular story for three years. Every novel has a story behind it. Every novel has a writer, with a real life lived, that stands as the pillar under that book. Why waste it? Pain has a purpose.
James 1:2 - 4 "Dear brothers and sisters, whenever troubles comes your way, consider it an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything." Some translations declare that "you will be lacking nothing."
I chuckle at this every time I read James because I do consider each trial an opportunity. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and I am not affected deeply in the midst of trials, it just simply means that I have an attitude of acceptance, openness and self-evaluation. I am ready for opportunities for growth and maturity. But I bleed, sometimes profusely.
I think this is an opportunity. With those closest to me prickling at the idea of opening myself up for such risk of pain and hurt, I still forge ahead. This life is not my own, it is for Christ that I live this life - why I breathe, and why my heart beats - and it is for you that I would serve and love in the face of our adversary.
Love is an action, not a feeling. Love can only be true when it faces opposition. Until then, "love" is a good feeling of hormones in the body.
So, here is my invitation to join me as I walk this journey to the finished story.
A couple of things before we start out:
1. You won't stop me or discourage me.
You can question and doubt until you are blue in the face. You can believe that I won't make it, that this is just a neat fantasy that I have. I smile because you have only caught me mid-journey.
You are welcome to come along, but you won't be able to stop me.
(Small fact: My first name means "Industrious one" or hardworking. My middle name means "Consecrated to God" - I am a hardworking individual that is committed to God - therefore, if God is for us, who can be against us.)
2. Share!
Dialog with me, challenge me. "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
Remember number one: You won't stop me, so you might as well sharpen me!
3. Remember I do bleed.
You don't need to intentionally harm me. I do have wisdom enough to sever a relationship that is poisonous!!! I don't dance with a devil; I come out punching.
4. Give me the benefit of the doubt.
If I hurt you, I did not mean to. I am human, I love Jesus, but I will never claim perfection in my pursuit for His righteousness in my life.
I never declared that I was perfect, and neither did He. His true love in action has simply accepted my repentance and my commitment to love him, serve him and do life with Him.
5. Let's have some fun!
I will be real and genuine. I have nothing to hide. Sometimes I am not completely transparent, there are things that I am working on, but you will always get honesty from me.
I am not the most scholarly writer out there and I have a lot to learn, but I am in a breathless pursuit of learning - I am a life long learner. I intend to bringing excellence along with being genuine.
My favorite musician, Jonny Lang, has a song "Don't Stop". It is a great blues-rock version of the prodigal son. But my favorite line from the song is "the journey of a thousand miles starts when you take the first step."
One foot in front of the other, consider this one step in the journey of a thousand miles...
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Inspiration
Inspiration strikes me at ALL hours of the day, and when I least expect it. (Maybe I should just start expecting it). Wait, I take that back. I do expect it. Anyone who knows me, even a little, has seen my huge spiral bound notebook that I carry around for when inspiration hits me, or my Moleskine notebook that fits perfectly into my purse.
Or, what about my green backpack that everyone makes fun of me for? You know what's in my "bag of tricks"? My spiral notebook journal (I try to change colors when I use a new one, currently I'm using a navy one with brightly colored circles on it - the next blank one is green - and I've used two black ones and a plain navy one), my calfskin NLT bible, a novel - the current one is called Tandem, a personal development book - currently "I quit" by Geri Scazzero, a writer's book, 10 colord pens for editing anything I have written, my thumb drive, writing magazines, and a freaking patridge in a pear tree!
I was driving down the road the other day when I was inspired. I started to tear up at the beautiful metaphor that God gave me as I was driving. As soon as I could I stopped in a parking lot and began furiously writing all the things I could so that when I got the chance to write I would have some good notes to stir fresh creativity.
I am currently working on a short story called The Performance. I'll upload it as soon as I am done. I have the first draft almost completed and after editing and revision it will be worth posting.
Thanks to those who have decided that this is worth reading, there will be more to come as the inspiration comes and my diligence in writing is crafted. I look forward to this journey, I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!
Or, what about my green backpack that everyone makes fun of me for? You know what's in my "bag of tricks"? My spiral notebook journal (I try to change colors when I use a new one, currently I'm using a navy one with brightly colored circles on it - the next blank one is green - and I've used two black ones and a plain navy one), my calfskin NLT bible, a novel - the current one is called Tandem, a personal development book - currently "I quit" by Geri Scazzero, a writer's book, 10 colord pens for editing anything I have written, my thumb drive, writing magazines, and a freaking patridge in a pear tree!
I was driving down the road the other day when I was inspired. I started to tear up at the beautiful metaphor that God gave me as I was driving. As soon as I could I stopped in a parking lot and began furiously writing all the things I could so that when I got the chance to write I would have some good notes to stir fresh creativity.
I am currently working on a short story called The Performance. I'll upload it as soon as I am done. I have the first draft almost completed and after editing and revision it will be worth posting.
Thanks to those who have decided that this is worth reading, there will be more to come as the inspiration comes and my diligence in writing is crafted. I look forward to this journey, I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Pain, Hmmm...
Sometimes I don't know why I signed on to do this. But the great reward in this life is that it is lived moment to moment, breathless and exciting; but then along comes pain.
Pain has a way of stopping one in their tracks and then sending us careeing off in a diverted direction. I have discovered that pain and a storm is not a reason to divert course, but instead, to plod through the difficult time. THEN, in faith, when God determines a call to action, we self-evaluate and find the truth to be able to allow change.
Pain is the tip of the sword when it comes to growth. Pain does not guarantee growth or maturity, pain can have devestating effects too. It is all about the attitude in which people address the pain in their lives that indicates how they will grow (or not).
I admit, I have whiney times of self pity when pain comes my way, but I really do let myself feel the pain, acknowledge it's presence and reality and then I pull off the gloves. I come out swinging. This isn't to say I am attacking any person, but I focus my energy on the reality of the task at hand.
Sometimes restitution is called for - I humble myself and bring myself into a servant position to offer an apology in action. Sometimes it is well received, sometimes not. THAT is out of my hands. But one thing I can say... I am imperfect, but God works in me. He has convicted, changed and challenged me. I get things wrong, but I honestly NEVER intentionally try to hurt anyone. That is probably my biggest burden in this life - avoiding hurting people. But the dance has gone on too long. I refuse to take responsibility for what others feel about me.
I can own my actions and the perceptions I give off to people, but when it comes to offense, I have lost too many hours of sleep over the idea of hurting people. It has torn me apart.
Can I admit something? Well, I'm going to, regardless of what your answer was (this is my blog after all).
I am tired. I am tired of worrying about what people think about me. I am tired of trying to be "on" all the time. If I fail to acknowledge you, please give me the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I was just busy. Maybe, as I perceived the importance of things going on around me, another person in crisis or need took my attention away. Maybe my boss just told me she needed me to go do something for her and in haste I ran off to take care of it. Maybe children's ministry is closing down and so as to not be rude to volunteers or staff members alike, I really DO need to go get my kids.
I can assure you that I don't intend to hurt you, it's the last thing on earth I am trying to do. But I do offend, I do fall below expectations. Please forgive me. This is not my calloused attempt at solving the problems of the world. This is not even pointed at anyone in particular (believe it or not!!). I just want to be loved. I want to be admired. I want to be liked in spite of myself!
Pain. Pain is real. Pain should not be ignored. Pain that gets ignored stunts growth and maturity. I won't ignore my pain. Growth is painful. Change is painful. My pride gets in the way, which ironically causes a lot of my pain!
I'm a work in progress. Take me or leave me, but at least give me the benefit of the doubt. I am not out to hurt anyone. In comparison, I actually only want to help the world. That's really all I want to do in this life.
But I pray that my pain would be purposeful. I pray that I am molded and shaped, which sometimes requires pressure by the fine hand of my Creator. My plea sounds pathetic and muted when I put it into that perspective.
Gloves off, I'm not shadow boxing anymore. I want to love and be loved. If I look crazy for doing things differently than other people, so be it. I'll do it differently. Call me peculiar. Call me strange, I've always thought so.
I'm a work in progress. I'm sorry to anyone who gets too close to actually know me!!! We can't live this life with people and we can't live this life without 'em. I'd rather take the pain and the people and keep on moving through life.
Pain. Hmmmmm???
Pain has a way of stopping one in their tracks and then sending us careeing off in a diverted direction. I have discovered that pain and a storm is not a reason to divert course, but instead, to plod through the difficult time. THEN, in faith, when God determines a call to action, we self-evaluate and find the truth to be able to allow change.
Pain is the tip of the sword when it comes to growth. Pain does not guarantee growth or maturity, pain can have devestating effects too. It is all about the attitude in which people address the pain in their lives that indicates how they will grow (or not).
I admit, I have whiney times of self pity when pain comes my way, but I really do let myself feel the pain, acknowledge it's presence and reality and then I pull off the gloves. I come out swinging. This isn't to say I am attacking any person, but I focus my energy on the reality of the task at hand.
Sometimes restitution is called for - I humble myself and bring myself into a servant position to offer an apology in action. Sometimes it is well received, sometimes not. THAT is out of my hands. But one thing I can say... I am imperfect, but God works in me. He has convicted, changed and challenged me. I get things wrong, but I honestly NEVER intentionally try to hurt anyone. That is probably my biggest burden in this life - avoiding hurting people. But the dance has gone on too long. I refuse to take responsibility for what others feel about me.
I can own my actions and the perceptions I give off to people, but when it comes to offense, I have lost too many hours of sleep over the idea of hurting people. It has torn me apart.
Can I admit something? Well, I'm going to, regardless of what your answer was (this is my blog after all).
I am tired. I am tired of worrying about what people think about me. I am tired of trying to be "on" all the time. If I fail to acknowledge you, please give me the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I was just busy. Maybe, as I perceived the importance of things going on around me, another person in crisis or need took my attention away. Maybe my boss just told me she needed me to go do something for her and in haste I ran off to take care of it. Maybe children's ministry is closing down and so as to not be rude to volunteers or staff members alike, I really DO need to go get my kids.
I can assure you that I don't intend to hurt you, it's the last thing on earth I am trying to do. But I do offend, I do fall below expectations. Please forgive me. This is not my calloused attempt at solving the problems of the world. This is not even pointed at anyone in particular (believe it or not!!). I just want to be loved. I want to be admired. I want to be liked in spite of myself!
Pain. Pain is real. Pain should not be ignored. Pain that gets ignored stunts growth and maturity. I won't ignore my pain. Growth is painful. Change is painful. My pride gets in the way, which ironically causes a lot of my pain!
I'm a work in progress. Take me or leave me, but at least give me the benefit of the doubt. I am not out to hurt anyone. In comparison, I actually only want to help the world. That's really all I want to do in this life.
But I pray that my pain would be purposeful. I pray that I am molded and shaped, which sometimes requires pressure by the fine hand of my Creator. My plea sounds pathetic and muted when I put it into that perspective.
Gloves off, I'm not shadow boxing anymore. I want to love and be loved. If I look crazy for doing things differently than other people, so be it. I'll do it differently. Call me peculiar. Call me strange, I've always thought so.
I'm a work in progress. I'm sorry to anyone who gets too close to actually know me!!! We can't live this life with people and we can't live this life without 'em. I'd rather take the pain and the people and keep on moving through life.
Pain. Hmmmmm???
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)