Bigger'n me

If any of you have ever seen my office at home or my office at work you will understand how my brain works. I am always going a million miles an hour. Rest is unusual for me. I am surprised I don't struggle with insomnia!

My offices are organized chaos. They stress out my more traditionally organized friends. I have cork board on my walls, assorted colored dry erase markers, Sharpies, tape, index cards, push pins, sticky notes and print outs pinned up everywhere. It all makes sense to me! It is my brain, spilled out onto papers put up so I can take a look at it all at once.

Rather than organizing it neatly into binders or in digital format I display it so I can grasp it all at one time.

It is deeply satisfying to me when all my lists, notes, scribbles, color specific scraps of paper and musings come together like abstract puzzle pieces. There is a bigger picture in my head, but sometimes I have to empty out the contents, organize them into their small groups and begin piecing them together to bring that picture together.

I fought this for quite some time. I was certain that a "good" Christian did it a certain way. Got up and read her bible early in the morning, did a well-planned bible study or devotional book, maybe some journaling and organized bullet points, prayed for a certain amount of time and then might squeeze in some praise and worship time if I got the chance.

I was able to adopt these habits pretty well for a few years, but once I had kids, any semblance of control flew out the window like wild bird it was.

I developed a deep appreciation for the Spiritual Disciplines (as Dallas Willard puts it). There is such value and truth to the disciplines and that cannot be overlooked. But it was the way in which I did it. (By the way, The Spirit of the Disciplines is a must read)

Confession time:

I am terrible at the "first-thing-in-the-morning" quiet time. I feel amazing when I actually get up before my family and get to do it. But... it's unrealistic.

I do mine right before I go to bed. The house is settled in for the night. My kids are asleep, I have done my workout for the day, I have cleaned what I can clean for the day, I have paid bills, made phone calls (or not), returned emails (or not), scheduled my day for the next day, spent time with my husband and my kids and gotten in my "scheduled" writing time.

Some of you might be gasping and claiming blasphemy of not putting the Lord first in everything I do. I beg to differ. I put God first in everything I do.

I do not take a breath or a step in the day without His name on my lips and His will in my heart. Now, mind you, I get it wrong some of the time, but I am certainly aiming toward Him in all the things I put my hands to do.

What happened in my discovery of doing this my way is that it freed me from the guilt of not doing it "right". If I didn't fit it in first thing in the morning, I would be plagued with guilt for not doing it (of my own fabrication or that of the enemy's) all day. Then, any time I did something other than my study time I felt guilty. Work was guilty, working out was guilty, grocery shopping was guilty. Anything was target for guilt.

Freedom came when I released myself from my own expectation of doing my quiet time in the morning. I looked forward to reading the bible, reading a personal development book, journaling and praying. I was released from expectations God did not communicate to me.

Well... what about "put God first in everything you do?" What about "love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength?"

Simple. I do. Everything I do puts Him first. My energy, my breathing, my thoughts are all run through that filter. I filter every decision through Him, or at least I try to. Sometimes He slows me down and reminds me that I am running ahead of him.

I get to go to bed, protected, with His name on my lips. I open myself up to have beautiful dreams and visions while I am asleep. I am open to Him speaking to me in my dreams. I wake from a night spent with Him. Creativity flows when He speaks to me. I am free and free indeed to walk the path He chose for me, not one I imposed on myself or that someone else imposed on me.

Fear is just a lie that tempts my mind. It does not consume me the way it once did.

Today, I got my day going like normal, with a ministry stop along the way (which was a highlight of the day), came home and immersed myself in writing. I wrote 3836 words of my novel, breaking open a stagnant place I have been in.

I have had frustration in returning to the novel. I have been frustrated with how stalled I have been. The words just wouldn't come. So in my frustration, I would veer off into other writing projects. All fulfilling and interesting, great practice and important, but not my first love. The novel is my first love (besides Dan!).

I hunkered down in my writing chair, laptop on, well, my lap, my lunch next to me and a Reese's Pieces Peanut Butter Cup to carry me along the way. I started writing, rather poorly if I would admit it out loud, and then, it started to flow.

My journey continues. The story comes out. While exciting, yes, it takes a lot of hard work! Determination and flat out discipline. From blank white digital pages to ideas and word pictures.

Possibility bleeds from the pages in black and white. If anyone were to cut me, I think I would bleed in black and white. Print is my lifeblood. Blogging is good. Print is my masterpiece.

John 1:1 - 2 "In the beginning was the word and the word was with God, and the word was God. He was with God in the beginning."

John 1:14 "The word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen His glory, the glory of the one and Only who came from the Father, full of grace and truth."

God refers to Jesus as the "word" of God. When He inspires something, it is by His breath. He breathes into me and something is created. God needed only His breath, His word, to breathe into dirt and create man. We are dirt, with only breath (word) in us to be alive. His word in me - nothing becomes something. Dirt becomes flesh. Ordinary becomes extraordinary.

I find such joy in writing, it is why I can't not write. I find God when I write. He finds me. We meet, we talk, I learn. He knows me and I know Him.

If nothing comes from my writing journey except a moment in his presence for the rest of my breath on this planet, then it is a moment well spent.

I pray you too will seek the breath of the Lord. Your journey is different from mine. Be free to discover that. Don't mimic my journey, let God breathe into you and create the extraordinary from the ordinary. It is why you have lungs and ears.

Resources I recommend for further study on becoming the person God created you to be:

The Me I Want to Be by John Ortberg
Sacred Pathways by Gary Thomas
Dressed to Kill by Rick Renner
Spirit Controlled Temperament by Tim LaHaye

And the list goes on...