Pain, Hmmm...

Sometimes I don't know why I signed on to do this. But the great reward in this life is that it is lived moment to moment, breathless and exciting; but then along comes pain.

Pain has a way of stopping one in their tracks and then sending us careeing off in a diverted direction. I have discovered that pain and a storm is not a reason to divert course, but instead, to plod through the difficult time. THEN, in faith, when God determines a call to action, we self-evaluate and find the truth to be able to allow change.

Pain is the tip of the sword when it comes to growth. Pain does not guarantee growth or maturity, pain can have devestating effects too. It is all about the attitude in which people address the pain in their lives that indicates how they will grow (or not).

I admit, I have whiney times of self pity when pain comes my way, but I really do let myself feel the pain, acknowledge it's presence and reality and then I pull off the gloves. I come out swinging. This isn't to say I am attacking any person, but I focus my energy on the reality of the task at hand.

Sometimes restitution is called for - I humble myself and bring myself into a servant position to offer an apology in action. Sometimes it is well received, sometimes not. THAT is out of my hands. But one thing I can say... I am imperfect, but God works in me. He has convicted, changed and challenged me. I get things wrong, but I honestly NEVER intentionally try to hurt anyone. That is probably my biggest burden in this life - avoiding hurting people. But the dance has gone on too long. I refuse to take responsibility for what others feel about me.

I can own my actions and the perceptions I give off to people, but when it comes to offense, I have lost too many hours of sleep over the idea of hurting people. It has torn me apart.

Can I admit something? Well, I'm going to, regardless of what your answer was (this is my blog after all).

I am tired. I am tired of worrying about what people think about me. I am tired of trying to be "on" all the time. If I fail to acknowledge you, please give me the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I was just busy. Maybe, as I perceived the importance of things going on around me, another person in crisis or need took my attention away. Maybe my boss just told me she needed me to go do something for her and in haste I ran off to take care of it. Maybe children's ministry is closing down and so as to not be rude to volunteers or staff members alike, I really DO need to go get my kids.

I can assure you that I don't intend to hurt you, it's the last thing on earth I am trying to do. But I do offend, I do fall below expectations. Please forgive me. This is not my calloused attempt at solving the problems of the world. This is not even pointed at anyone in particular (believe it or not!!). I just want to be loved. I want to be admired. I want to be liked in spite of myself!

Pain. Pain is real. Pain should not be ignored. Pain that gets ignored stunts growth and maturity. I won't ignore my pain. Growth is painful. Change is painful. My pride gets in the way, which ironically causes a lot of my pain!

I'm a work in progress. Take me or leave me, but at least give me the benefit of the doubt. I am not out to hurt anyone. In comparison, I actually only want to help the world. That's really all I want to do in this life.

But I pray that my pain would be purposeful. I pray that I am molded and shaped, which sometimes requires pressure by the fine hand of my Creator. My plea sounds pathetic and muted when I put it into that perspective.

Gloves off, I'm not shadow boxing anymore. I want to love and be loved. If I look crazy for doing things differently than other people, so be it. I'll do it differently. Call me peculiar. Call me strange, I've always thought so.

I'm a work in progress. I'm sorry to anyone who gets too close to actually know me!!! We can't live this life with people and we can't live this life without 'em. I'd rather take the pain and the people and keep on moving through life.

Pain. Hmmmmm???