Patience... For you AND me

I tend to have this insatiable appetite to make people happy. It is one of my greatest strengths and also my biggest weakness. It makes me soft and mold able to the needs of others. It crushes me under the weight of expectation.

Hang on, I'm not blaming anyone for anything. I am just admitting this "out loud" for a purpose.

I feel the weight like a blanket of wet concrete to produce something for your efforts in reading my blog. Yes, you read that right, I feel obligated in some way to produce something of value for you. It's on the way. But not anytime soon.

Every day I wake up with this genuine desire to just be a writer and a reader, but then I get in my own way! I want my novel to be finished and in my hands a revised manuscript that publishers and agents are scrambling to get their hands on. Hold up there Missy, back the bus up.

Nine years ago I had a profound moment in my life as a writer. I had always known that the blood that pounded in my veins was there to support life so that I could write. I was at a prayer meeting with several members of the church and the leader operated in the prophetic. He gently pulled me up front, and prayed for me. He looked at me and confirmed what I already knew but was afraid to say out loud to anyone - I would publish books.

"You will one day write and publish books, but right now you are in a training season. God will sharpen your words and you will break shackles off of people." That was pretty much all I got from this pastor, but it wasn't just the 30 words he spoke to me, it was the confirmation and images that God Himself put inside of me. The power wasn't in what this pastor spoke, but releasing what God wanted to do in and through me.

Anyone who knows me well knows that some of these I have run with - "breaking shackles"... that one is pretty obvious. "Training season" - another obvious one. "Write and publish books" - I'm working on it.

I have never doubted it. I have questioned "how" numerous times, "when" and "what" all the time and just coasted for a duration of that time.

Let me be very painfully honest with you. I caution that I tell you of this not to waste my pain or get any pity from you, if you try, I won't accept, because I believe fully in what God is doing.

I started the content of this specific novel series early 2007. We are edging in on four years. The beauty of the story morphed from ideas, to characters, to people that were part of my life. I knew them! I loved them!

I wrote the first draft of my novel from beginning to end without stopping from October to December of 2009. I had a lot of stories written, character development, a lot of unusable fluff and a good timeline prior to crafting the draft. But I had 120,000 words of a novel on paper. That was fun to say!

I got stuck. I wanted to move on to the second story, but it didn't flow. I came to hate the first draft. I knew the story was beautiful, but the writing didn't do it justice. I tried to revise and edit, it got a little better. But even though it did move in time decently, it didn't flow. No one would fall in love with the story. People who knew me would appreciate the story because they loved me. I would hit a market of about 25 people who would pat me on the back and congratulate me for such hard work, but the manuscript wouldn't change the world.

I wrestled with God.

I lay in be one night reading a personal development book. I had just finished my quiet time and I was just reading for pleasure.

I heard Him whisper. "Throw the book away." He was not referring to the book I was reading...

My stomach dropped into my knees and I put my book down, turned out the lights and ignored the words that I just heard. "It couldn't be God, why would He ask me to do something like that?" I scoffed. I fell asleep with the fearful notion that my God was asking me to do something very difficult. I ignored Him.

A few months passed, I heard no other word from God. The book stagnated, I tried, I labored in vain. I began to hate the book that I had crafted. I was stuck.

Dan and I both knew that June was an important month. For some reason, we both understood that something was going to happen for both of us. We didn't know what it was, but I knew that i needed to make June a month about God. No counseling, coaching, restoration ministry. I would make the month about spending time with God and writing my books.

Dan planned a bunch of fun stuff for him to get some guy time. It had been on the books for months. Fishing, camping, motorcycle rides, golfing; whatever he wanted to do, we had saved up the money and I had given him as much time as he needed to just be a guy. He left for a three day motorcycle ride with a friend.

I wrestled with God. I received some healing for some things that I had let go on too long - I spent some time forgiving people and making restitution to people I had hurt. It was laborious, painful and brought incredible amounts of healing.

I heard Him again. It only took one more time. "Throw the book away."

I begged and pleaded with God as I drove home. My mother was at home with my girls so I could have some time with God. She knew I was up at the church praying and studying. I came in looking like the world ended. She knew that something was wrong, but stayed calm, which was good. I couldn't have anyone talk me out of this.

I left the church weeping. I'm glad no other staff saw me.

"If this is not from You, then you better send something to stop me. If this is a test, then may I pass with flying colors. You know I will be obedient, so if this isn't from You, God, then take this away from me."

I warred for the 8 minute drive, rebuking everything I could imagine. I walked straight into the house to my computer and began deleting.

It was a sobering experience. I watched the dates as they deleted. There were a few back to 2006 that were rough outlines of characters and ideas. I watched my heart get destroyed. I deleted my thumb drive, shredded my four hard copies, broke my CD copies and deleted my email copies. I got onto Dan's computer and made sure copies were off of it.

Dan called from the road.

I normally try to save drama for when he gets home, I hate ruining his vacations. I couldn't help it, I wept uncontrollably.

"I just deleted my book." I waited for the shock to hit him. He was shocked. He questioned my sanity. He knew just what went into the work I had done. He had watched me for three years (so far) and I wasn't close to finishing.

I'll save you all the dialogue. I got sick. I cried for four weeks. But it took me three months to mourn the loss of my three "kids". I actually mourned them like living breathing beings. I mourned my future and I got mad at God a few times. I told Him I trusted Him but that I was mad He had asked me to sacrifice them. I forgot to mention that as I was driving home from the church I got a vision of Abraham and Isaac, only I knew inside that God wouldn't spare my kid. Isaac had been a test for Abraham. The child of promise. I actually had to sacrifice mine for God.

But shackles were broken. Obedience brought about clarity, vision, and a fresh wind. Dan asked me if God was telling me that I couldn't write that same story.

Not at all. God wanted to un-stick it. He wanted my full obedience. He wanted it to be His story. It is His story. The story is so big, so beautiful, I couldn't possibly be that cool. The characters are fallible, raw and human, but it is a picture of grace, unconditional love in and through God's people that brings about healing and hope. But it isn't just a story to enjoy and to pack away, I believe it is a story that will engage, challenge, inspire and change the lives of those who read it.

So, patience - I say this to me. It will come. It will be His timing, with a lot of my hard work. I won't rush it, but I will push it. This is just one understanding of what God has been doing, and I know I can't even come close to comprehending!